One liners…

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

 

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

 

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

 

I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

 

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

 

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”

 

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

 

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

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Posted by: funnyboy on Category: one liners