Rodney Dangerfield

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy ” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!” Give others a giggle…

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Bobcat Goldthwait

Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. Give others a giggle…

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Abraham Lincoln

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Give others a giggle…

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Woody Allen

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.” Give others a giggle…

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Steven Wright

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. Give others a giggle…

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Richard Lewis

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. Give others a giggle…

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Henny Youngman

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. Give others a giggle…

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Bill Maher

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say “Bless me, father, for I have sinned — and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.” Give others a giggle…

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Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. Give others a giggle…

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Bill Maher

L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait. Give others a giggle…

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