todayilaughed.com

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ‘ Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn’
(Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back ‘I’m English, Speak English, I don’t understand you’.
The Scotsman man shouts back ‘Use both hands, you’ll get more in.’

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. “May I get you something?” she asked. “Aye, a whusky” Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he’d like one. “Never!” he said sternly. “I’d rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!”
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying “Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!”

Michael Jackson’s body is not to be buried, instead it will be recycled into shopping bags. That way he can continue to be white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

When her only attraction is her gravitational field.

Its important you remember that unprotected phone sex, may lead to hearing aids.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, “Are you all right?”
The other replies,”No, I lost an electron”
“Are you sure?” asks the first.
“Yeah,” says the other, “I’m positive”

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?
“The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”