todayilaughed.com

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.”
From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!”
“Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”
“Tightwad!”, blurted the man again.
“Quiet!”, yelled the judge who continued, “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”
“Son of a…” the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, “If you don’t tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!”
So the man answered, “I’ve lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!”

I can imagine the conversation:

Store Employee: ‘Hello ‘dis Cake Store, how can I help you?’

Customer: ‘Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.’

Store Employee: ‘Whatchu want ondacake?’

Customer: ‘Best Wishes Suzanne.’ And underneath that ‘We will miss you’.

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. “Yes, teacher,” he said, “my dad taught me.”
“Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two,” the teacher said. “Three,” replied Andy.
“Very good. What comes after five, Andy?” asked the teacher. “Six,” answered Andy.
“Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?” the teacher asked.
“A jack!” replied Andy.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.