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Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?

Why did McCauley Culkin get married?

He was tired of being home alone.

It was the happiest day of my life.
Arrived at church.
Wife waiting at alter.
Walked up the aisle.
Kissed her gently on the cheek.
Smiled.
And closed the lid.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

The teacher asked my son, “If you have five apples and I ask you for one, how many will you have?”

My son answered “Five.”

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”

The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

There was the cannibal schoolboy who was suspended. He was trying to butter up his teacher.