A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the corral rail – as he always did before pitching “the new line of tractors” – and looking at all of the farm animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: “Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before.” The farmer said: “You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved my life three times.”

“The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the house just in time.”

“And it wasn’t but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his tractor and pulled me free.”

“And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog’s tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull’s tail and I got away.”

Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: “All well and good, but that doesn’t explain why that hog has got a wooden leg.” The farmer replied: “Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time”.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.

“Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.” The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.” The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. “Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!” Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer’s horse. “Well, you know, horses don’t talk.” Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.”

So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!” Again the farmer was amazed.

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”

“Well,” declared the farmer, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’ The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The ‘gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. ‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

‘I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.’

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.

“What happened?” asked the wife. “You should have been home hours ago!”

“Gus had a heart attack at the third hole,” replied the husband.

“Oh, that’s terrible,” said the wife.

“I know,” the husband answered. “All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . ”

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes!

Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?”

“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”