todayilaughed.com

Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it.

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.

I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father.

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know.
‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?”

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

For more breakfast humour see: www.rashersandeggs.com

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy ” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!”