21st July 2010

Shopping

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

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19th July 2010

Louisiana

A girl from Louisiana and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Louisiana, being friendly and all, said: “So, where y’all from?”

The east coast girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The girl from Louisiana sat quietly for a few moments and then replied with a sweet smile and her fabulous sticky-sweet drawl :

“So, where y’all from, bitch?”

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18th July 2010

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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8th July 2010

Vacuum salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

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4th July 2010

Sleep

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25,” says another jogger.

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25th June 2010

Take my word for it

It’s a dead duck.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
 
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the
table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

“€150!” she cried, “€150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been €20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now €150.”

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6th April 2010

The less you know…

“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.”

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

posted in computers, jokes | 0 Comments

19th February 2010

May your life be long and the landlord always going the other way

The Irish have a low stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life.

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery……………………….The study of paintings
Bacteria…………………….Back door to cafeteria
Barium………………………What doctors do when patients die
Benign……………………….What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section………A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan……………………Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………..Made eye contact with her
Colic…………………………A sheep dog
Coma………………………..A punctuation mark
Dilate………………………..To live long
Enema………………………Not a friend
Fester……………………….Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………….A small lie
Impotent……………………Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain……………….Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff………………A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………….A higher offer
Nitrates……………………..Cheaper than day rates
Node…………………………I knew it
Outpatient………………….A person who has fainted
Pelvis………………………..Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative……………A letter carrier
Recovery Room………….Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………..Nearly killed him
Secretion…………………..Hiding something
Seizure……………………..Roman emperor
Tablet……………………….A small table
Terminal Illness………….Getting sick at the airport
Tumor………………………One plus one more
Urine………………………..Opposite of you’re out

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25th December 2009

Hold me back!

If I wasn’t been held back I’d….

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13th July 2009

ngi9uavt2f

ngi9uavt2f

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