todayilaughed.com

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”