todayilaughed.com

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The Irish have a low stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life.

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery……………………….The study of paintings
Bacteria…………………….Back door to cafeteria
Barium………………………What doctors do when patients die
Benign……………………….What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section………A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan……………………Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…………………..Made eye contact with her
Colic…………………………A sheep dog
Coma………………………..A punctuation mark
Dilate………………………..To live long
Enema………………………Not a friend
Fester……………………….Quicker than someone else
Fibula……………………….A small lie
Impotent……………………Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain……………….Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff………………A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………….A higher offer
Nitrates……………………..Cheaper than day rates
Node…………………………I knew it
Outpatient………………….A person who has fainted
Pelvis………………………..Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative……………A letter carrier
Recovery Room………….Place to do upholstery
Rectum……………………..Nearly killed him
Secretion…………………..Hiding something
Seizure……………………..Roman emperor
Tablet……………………….A small table
Terminal Illness………….Getting sick at the airport
Tumor………………………One plus one more
Urine………………………..Opposite of you’re out

1 Aslan
2 Heroin (See 1)
3 Stealin’
4 Joy-ridin’
5 Saying ‘Yaknowwhorrameyan?”
6 Shamrock Rovers
7 Social welfare
8 Keyin’ Cars
9 Pop Idol
10 Wearing belly tops over their pale, flabby stomachs
11 Calling people ‘Bud’ who are not their bud
12 Compo
13 Calling people ‘Pal’ who are not their pal
14 Shortening words and adding the letter ‘o’ (Anto, Decco,Corpo)
15 Calling people ‘Boss’ who are not their boss
16 John Player Blue
17 Burberry
18 Burglary
19 Fair City
20 Celtic shirts
21 ‘Taches
22 Fireworks every night for the entire month preceeding Halloween
23 Sky Digital
24 Saying “I didn’t ble_din’ do tha’!”
25 Travelling in packs
26 Moochin’
27 Swearing at their babies
28 Getting their mot’s preggers
29 Champion Sports
30 Christmas Lights you could see from space
31 Skippin’ school
32 Skippin’ bail
33 Giving their kids Monster Munch and Maltesers for breakfast on the bus
34 Standing in queues outside the dole office
35 Funtasia
36 Iceland – the food chain, not the country
37 Man U
38 Saying, “That’s not my ble-din’ job!”
39 Pushing prams while smoking
40 Earrings (for guys)
41 Earrings a chimpanzee could swing off (for girls)
42 Saying “He didn’t do nothin’!” when he clearly did do something
43 Baseball caps
44 Sawn-off Shotguns
45 Adrian Kennedy Phone Show
46 Picking up unfinished cigarettes dropped on the street bysomeone
else just after coming out of a medical centre (as God is my witness)
47 Shop-liftin’
48 Tamangos
49 Not payin’ the bus fare
50 Curry Chips and a burger
51 Leaving their kids play outside on a busy road while they get hammered on a Sunday afternoon
52 Always following the word ‘rich’ with the word ‘w@n-ker’
53 Pulling their hoodies over their heads as they’re led away from the Four Courts
54 Eschewing peaceful solutions to conflict when Violent Senseless Mayhem will suffice
55 P-ing in Elevators
56 Being an authority on everything
57 Knee-cappings
58 Racism
59 Smiley Bolger
60 Getting their hair cut so tight they look like a matchstick with ears from the back
61 Not readin’ bukes

1 A nice bit of ham.
2 Buttered biscuits.
3 Diggin Houles.
4 Saying its too cold to snow
5 Pretending to know about The Ra.
6 Tayto Cheese & Onion
7 Pretending they’re in The Ra.
8 A stretch in the evenings
9 Lucozade / Cidona
10 Accordians
11 Pretending to like Holy Week.
12 A dinner dance
13 Gettin clattered in muck.
14 Shania Twain.
15 Hefers
16 Spittin in their hands before doing anything manual
17 Steel toe caps.
18 A big bowl of carrots & parsnips.
19 Eating sangwiches out of the boot of a car at GAA
20 Saying someones ‘Opened a Book’ on something.
21 The smell of fresh dung.
22 Slice-Your-Own Loaf.
23 Work Clothes
24 A bottle of mineral.
25 Fightin’.
26 Puttin on a ganzee to stop them from bein foundered
27 ‘The’ Hurling/Fitball.
28 Being overweight.
29 Weemin wha resemble Hefers.
30 Saying “Aaah” after taking their first sup of tae.
31 Drink driving.
32 Red diesel
33 The Fear of Change.
34 A nice bit of Barnbrac
35 Lying.
36 Building walls.
37 Being starved with the cold rather than with a lack of food
38 Pretending to like mass
39 Talking about sh1te like Flax and the Corncrake.
40 A good blackthorn walkin stick.
41 Shouting ‘Yeeeeeoooo’ when something good happens.
42 Mohammed Ali.
43 Machinery.
44 Strange uppy-downy walks.
45 A good f**kin read of Irelands Own.
46 Gelling their 1cm fringe tight to their forehead.
47 Scandal, as long as its about other people.
48 Turf, because Sentirl heatin’s for weemin.
49 Soda farls.
50 Sponge ‘n Custirt
51 Newmerica’, and anything to do with it.
52 Givin the dog the wildest baytins.
53 Givin the wife the wildest baytins.
54 The Ra.
55 Winning a leg of lamb in a raffle.
56 Wrecking the house whilst steaming.
57 ClubOrange
58 Rubbing their hands together before tucking into their dinner
59 The Foot & Mouth.
60 Aetin’ a big feed of spuds.
61 TK Red Lemonade

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: “You must be the worst caddie in the world!”
Irish caddie: “That would be too much of a coincidence, sir.”

“I’m not shakin’ that wans hand!”

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”

Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat
“We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor?
Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replied, “I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.
But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”