Operations

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

 The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

 The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’

 The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

 The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’

 But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’

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The older monk

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what’s wrong.

The old monk sobs, “The word is celebrate.”

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More blond jokes

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What’s the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Why don’t blonds play Frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

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Clubbing

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third
friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do????

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.

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Equality

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter,
ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to
carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off.

Otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but
then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of
the rope, because as a woman, she was used to
giving up everything for her husband and kids,
and for men in general, without ever getting
anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
started clapping their hands…

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I say!

Elton John goes into a chemist.
“Can I have some Vaseline please?” he says to the woman behind the counter.
“Awww, sore lips?” says the woman.
“No dear, it’s for chaps”

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Evils of drink

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
“Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
“I’m afraid I can’t promise that, sir,” said the released man.
“And why not?”
“Because I’m the barman at your regular pub!”

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Politicics for dummies

Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”

Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let’s call you The People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?”

Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”

That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”

Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”

Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit.”

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