Lullaby

Hush little baby don’t you squall
Momma’s gonna buy you a crystal ball.
And if you still can’t see beyond
Momma’s gonna buy you a magic wand.
And if that wand don’t change your fate
Momma’s gonna teach you to levitate.
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma’s gonna buy you an incense stick.
And if that patchouli smells too rank
she’ll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.
And if that tank don’t float your bones
Momma’s gonna buy you some precious stones.
And if those gems don’t ease your heart
Momma’s gonna buy you a natal chart.
And if your planets go berserk
Momma’s gonna buy you some bodywork.
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma’s gonna buy you a past life reading.
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma’s gonna buy you a pyramid.
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma’s gonna take you on a vision quest.
And if power animals don’t come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it’s just your karma.

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My brother

My brother said he’d tell me everything he knows.
He must have been speechless.

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Cats and lemons

Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
A: A sourpuss!

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Icy bum

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A. Polaroid’s.

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Long live the pope

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception
committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the
myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy
Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming
a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every
version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the
original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to
him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
“An ‘R’! They left out the ‘R'”.
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After
collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’… the word was
supposed to be CELEBRATE”

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Mexican blonde

She is so blonde; she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

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Middle East

Q: Why is Bush so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

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Bureaucracy

Let’s play a game, its called bureaucracy, the first one to do anything loses.

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Cat songs

Q: What’s every cat’s favorite song?
A: Three Blind Mice!

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You asked…

A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was.
“I’ve lost my dad,” cried the boy.
“What’s he like?” asked the policeman.
“Beer, fags and women,” said the boy.

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