Tommy Cooper

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

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Bud and Jim

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, well there’s just one thing…” “What’s that?” “Have you farted yet?” “No…..”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!!!”

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Tommy Cooper

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

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Tommy Cooper

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

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Tommy Cooper

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

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Tommy Cooper

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

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Leper

What did the leper do when he lost at poker?

He threw in his hand.

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Tommy Cooper

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

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