How I laughed and laughed...

One liners…

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

 

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

 

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

 

I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.

 

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

 

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”

 

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

 

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

Give others a giggle...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn

2018 07-10

True story

dont believe

Give others a giggle...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn

2016 10-29

Ambitions…

We make you laugh every day
I want to be that guy!
Give others a giggle...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn

2016 10-05

Kids say the dearest things

Teacher: “Kids, what does the fat chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the fat pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

Give others a giggle...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn

2016 09-29

Old is Gold!

I have finally found a support group that fits my life stage!

 

Get off my lawn!

Give others a giggle...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn

2016 08-05

Little Johnny…

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Give others a giggle...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn

2016 04-05

Best interview ever

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

 

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

 

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

 

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

 

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Give others a giggle...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedIn